My weekend has consisted of

-homework

-watching scary movies

-homework

-catching up on sleep

-more homework

I cleaned my apartment three days ago, and naturally its a disaster again. There are dishes literally everywhere. The garbage is overflowing. Spilled popcorn on the floor. You name it. 

Normally, I cannot live in filth. My room gets messy sometimes, but I'm the kind of person that bleaches the shower at least twice a week. I can't sit and watch a movie or do homework if there are dishes in the sink.

But this weekend, ask me if I care.

Its one of those days where..

-Your hair looks like it hasn't been combed it weeks, and your not going to even attempt.

-Pajamas are the only option for clothing.

-I haven't even looked in the mirror and still go to the grocery store.

-You've done so much homework the past few days even thinking about it makes you want to cry.

-A shower sounds so nice but your too lazy to make the effort to get in.

                                       My kitchen sink today.................Rough.

   The missionaries left me a present.......hahahahahaha. Yeah. I'll pass.

                                  Watching scary movies today in the light..... We tried to fix that.

                                   
             At least I got one thing accomplished today.... Call me the next cake boss. Its fine.

This growing up thing is shattering her soul.

If you asked me last year where I saw myself in a year, I could quickly tell you that this wasn’t it. Everything I am right now is nothing like I thought I would have been. The way things are in general are nothing like I thought they would be. To see people I couldn’t live without last year walk away from my life & become strangers, to see people that were once strangers, mean more than the world to me. Seeing time fly by in the blink of an eye & feeling like nothing ever changes. Feeling like everything has stayed the same through out these days, yet looking back at where I was around this exact time last year & everything is different.


This time last year I was never so emotional. No one could make me cry, and no one made me think so hard. But now the tears flow like rain from the saddest sky there is, and my frantic thoughts are tearing me apart. I’m done feeling sorry for myself, and I’m done being broken, and I’m done letting people make me feel like that at all. I’m going to make myself stronger, no matter how I have to do it, because these thoughts are enough to drive someone insane, and I’m not going to let that be me anymore. I’m taking a stand.


The one thing I've learned in this past year is giving a second chance is exposing yourself to be hurt again. If someone has done it once, it’s bound to happen again. Because you gave  the idea that no matter how much they hurt you, you’d still accept them all over again.


The only way I can explain my totally unrealistic and stupid choices in the past couple months is this- it’s like being hit by a truck, over and over again. But you stay in the road, because when you aren’t being hit by a truck, the road is the best place in the world to be. (or so I thought)..


But I've finally learned the real meaning of change. You do things you used to be against, you date the people you never thought you would and you befriend people you used to hate. You’ll learn what it’s like to have your heartbroken, to lose a friend that truly meant something to you, & feel as if everything is really falling apart. There will be times that your life seems so horrible it feels like it’s not real. Despite all this, good things will come too. You’ll make the most amazing friends that will be there for you even when they probably shouldn’t. Your broken heart will heal once you find the most perfect guy you’ve ever met & just as nothing else can go wrong, things will only get better. There will be the days you are so happy & the days you feel like dying. Drama happens, gossip goes around and people talk shit. Maybe this is just growing up.


For a long time, I thought I was such a strong girl and I know I am, I just couldnt see it. I thought he broke me. But what I've realized is it’s okay to cry yourself to sleep. It’s okay not to want to let go, but you know you need to. It's okay to feel weak, and it's okay to cry. I let myself go through these emotions instead of holding them inside of me. But after that, I told myself I was done feeling sorry for myself and I'm done blaming others for the stupid decisions I make, and I will deal with the consequences.


This is the last time I will ever let someone have that much control on who I was.




I've found myself, and I'm not loosing her again.

I don’t love you, but I did, and I’m sorry for showing that emotion I have so much hate for.  


All of this crashes to the ground, and you see it all broken into pieces, just there, nothing you can do about it, and you feel that burning feeling in your heart, telling you this was going to happen, saying to walk away, but you do the opposite, you continue to walk forward into the broken memories, thinking somehow this will work, and the memories will be brought back and he will be yours again…and you look down at your feet, and they’re bleeding, but you keep going, because even though it hurts, you have to do it to stop the pain in your heart. Your mind is telling you to go forward, but your heart is slowly tearing. Piece, by piece, by piece. And then at that split moment, you look up at his face, at that second you realize something…lies. And the funny thing is you get mad at your heart, not him, no because your heart is what let him in. Again. And again. And again. 


He lied to you and your heart was overwhelmed by idiocy, and took them all in, filling in the cracks. You wake up laying on that glass and no matter how uncomfortable it is, you don’t want to get up. So you stay. And you let it dig into your mind that he’s gone. And he is. And that’s what hurts the most. But time passes, and you’re starting to forgive your heart. But you have given it limits. It can only go so far. 

grateful.

So since this has all ended, I just want to say thank you.

Thank you for the smeared makeup on my pillow for weeks straight.

Thank you for all the lies I had to tell my friends and family.

Thank you for promising me things only to break them the next day.

Thank you for the lack of trust in others I now have.

But most importantly, thank you for showing me I'm better off without you, and showing me what I don't want.

I knew with you it would be easy. I knew you'd tell me you liked me, and I knew you'd change your mind once you got bored. I knew when you moved on to the next girl just like everyone said you would, I would spend weeks crying. Wondering what I did wrong and why I wasn't good enough. I knew I'd sit on the floor gasping for air, wondering if it was ever going to end. I knew it. 

I just didn't want to believe it.

I knew it was over before the words were even spoken. Why I didn't get up and leave your sorry ass before then I still don't know. But I came to this conclusion. If you've ever had one of those times when you've clutched a pen or something else in your hand for a long time, only to look down and be surprised that you are still holding it a long time after you needed it. Then you'll understand sometimes we get so used to holding it that we forget to let go.

But you wanna know what I've learned? 

I've learned that sometimes its not okay to forget. Because when you forget you keep making the same mistake. I kept making myself forget how you hurt me.

There comes a point when you have to STOP RELYING ON OTHER PEOPLE TO MAKE YOU FEEL OKAY. You've got to stop saying "I need you". You've got to stop feeling like you can't live without someone. Cause guess what.

You can.

There is no one in this world who knows how to pick you up better than yourself believe it or not. Sometimes there wont be someone who can fix you when your breaking. Sometimes you're just alone. And you know what. That's good. Because if you don't know how to fix yourself when your broken, you won't get anywhere. It'll seem like the worst thing in the world at first, but I was surprised at what I could accomplish.

I want to be alright without you. I want to smile. I want to laugh. I just want to stop lying to myself. 

You have been pulling me down for way too long and I know now it's time to let you go. It's time I stop worrying about you and your feelings.

It's time I think about myself for a change. It's time I treat MYSELF right and leave behind those who don't. It's time I dig myself out of this hole and start all over again with someone who just might be willing to give me the chance you never did. 

 

Things that make me happy

-Weekends
- Deep and meaningful conversations
- Road trips
- Butterflies
-Road trips
-The first bite of your favorite food
-Clothes out of the dryer
-Playing your favorite childhood games
-When someone understands how your feeling
-When a stranger says you look beautiful
-Swimming for the first time in the summer
-Sleeping in after a night out
-Those days when your hair seems to be perfect
-Hearing your favorite song on the radio
-New episodes of your favorite TV show
-Remembering old songs that you used to love
-Finding money in your pockets
-Waking up to a cute text
-Realizing your least favorite teacher is absent
-Meeting people randomly then they become a huge part of your life
-Getting an A on a test you didn't study for
-Putting on sweats after wearing jeans all day
-When your dog is happy to see you
-Rain
-When you peel a sticker off something and it comes off perfectly
-Nail polish that doesnt chip
-People who text back fast
-Scratch and Sniff stickers
-Victorias Secret
-Waking up to the birds chirping
-Laying in bed listening to the rain
-New car smell
-Lotion
-The way you smell after tanning
-Walking out to your car after a good workout

Happy Sunday lovers

-

I am so much more then what I seem. More than just the makeup, the clothes, the shoes, the bags, the sunglasses, the outside. So much more... too bad some boys can't understand.
On a daily basis deal with bitches, backstabbers, lies, boyfriends, exes, appearance, insecurity, and SO MUCH MORE.
Spending hours in front of my mirror for you. If something is too short, someone will call me a whore. If something is too long, they'll call me ugly. I go through buckets full of ice cream because I have had way too many broken hearts. I cry cause bitches wanna hate and boyfriends wanna bitch. I can't complain cause I don't wanna be annoying. I trust people, then they end up stabbing in the back. I learn stuff the hard way.

 Every guy out there making period jokes. For real? No. Just because your being a little bitch and pissing me off doesn't mean I'm on my period. Get over it.

I get hurt multiple times, and keep running back to the same people. I love hard, and I HURT hard. I care too much. I am never understood. I go through so much trouble when you don't even notice.

I tried to impress you, while dealing with what was being said about me by all your little bitch friends.

I spill my guts out to my friends who have probably had enough of you.
Even if I have heard it all before, I hear what people say about me and I break inside. But no matter what, after everything I have to come out strong, and put a big smile on my face and pretend like everything is okay. I have to act nice to the haters knowing everything that they said about me. I love even though I know I shouldn't.
I wait for something that will never happen.
But no matter what, I manage to act like everything is fine, even though everything is falling apart.

I'm all moved into my new place, met my roommates today. College is going alright so far... I really miss home and my family. I went through a lot of emotional garbage the week before I left and moved 300 miles away. I think that's what is making this move so hard for me. Its a lot to take on. I'm trying to push through. But I am looking forward to getting my education.

I have made some stupid decisions regarding the person I was dating for the past year. I am young and I thought I knew everything about anything, in the end realizing I really dont. And thats why I am so grateful for my amazing parents. I wasnt myself for a whole year. I think that was really damaging. I felt like it was me always trying to be perfect for him. I always dressed nice. I don't think he ever saw me in sweatpants. I always tried to be well-dressed and well-mannered, and I always tried to please everyone around him. And I'd always go to his places and his favorite restaurants or whatever. And there was a point where I kind of lost myself completely. I didn't smile as much, I didn't laugh as much, I wasn't a goofball I normally am.

Everyone around me hated him. Family, friends, didn't like it. But even with everyone sitting me down, telling me it was horrible, I didn't listen to them. I think a girl has to go through that, because I know now I will be stronger after this, even though now I feel the weakest ever.  I think love is blind. You don't see it, you don't hear what people are saying, or what you're saying. You don't SEE what you're doing. All you see is the person in front of YOU. That's it. I found strength in what hurt me. And in my family — that's my strength as well. I'm truly grateful to be hurt as many times as I have, because I will learn from it.

When the controlling relationship I was in ended just a week before I left for college..I felt like I had been trapped in the last months, it was just horrible. Because I didn't know where I was. I don't know who I am. My self worth was gone. And I blame him COMPLETELY for that. 

I have learned so much from the experience.

1- That "gut" feeling, its real and you should listen to it. Always go with your gut. I denied my gut feeling, I would see red flags, one after the other and I would  make excuses..I would ignore them. I didn’t trust my own intuition.

2- I will never give up people closest to me. If someone is asking you to give that up... THEY REALLY DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU LIKE THEY SAY THEY DO.

3- You can’t really love unless you love yourself: I just wanted to be loved. Over and again, I found myself in the wrong relationships and couldn’t figure out why. I had no idea that the answer I was looking for was with me the entire time. How can you truly, 100% love someone if you don’t love yourself. In order to experience true love, you must experience self-love. I don't need a boyfriend to be completely happy. Meaning, I know now what I didnt then. I know that I love myself and I KNOW I have the strength to let go. I didnt have any idea how strong I was. 

4- Girls dont need to pin their happiness on one guys attention. It will always end bad. ALWAYS.

5- You can change NOBODY. I was a fixer. No matter how much you love someone, people don’t change, unless they want to.

6- No one deserves to be abused:It’s typical for most of us to make excuses for an abuser. “I deserved it” “He just is having a bad day” “I should have done this” “I should have done that”. Look, I don’t care how psycho you are, how clumsy or forgetful you are, it doesn’t matter what your faults are…no one deserves to be abused. It was extremely damaging and it took a long time for me to figure out that it was abuse no matter how many people would tell me it was, it took extra time for me to recover. No one deserves to be abused. Luckily for me, the abuse was emotional. I am lucky it ended at the point it did. 

This is probably so much personal information I'm sharing with the whole world. But for some reason it is therapeutic for me. So please bear with me. :)

If there is one thing in this world I absolutely cannot stand its people that can't accept responsibility for their own actions. Like don't you think sometimes it would just be easier to say, "Yeah, it's my fault," Or "I'm Sorry"
instead of sitting there making a bigger deal trying to explain why its NOT your fault when in reality everyone knows it is?

I'm not saying I'm perfect by any means, but my parents did raise me to be accountable and of course I'm not ALWAYS, and I will admit that. But something my Grandpa told me before he died has always stuck with me.


It takes a bigger person to admit your wrong.


Is it not true? It takes balls. Some people have it in them and some people don't. What I've learned is its been easier for me to admit my wrongs and work on them for MYSELF. Not anyone else. Admitting I'm wrong and accepting responsibility for the things I do isn't just for the other person. To help fix myself I need to know in my heart I was wrong and better MYSELF.

I can't stand it when people are always saying.. "Ok I'm sorry.. BUT you did this..." or "The reason this is happening is because of yourself, YOU did this"

Like why can't you just SAY SORRY?
And be sincere?

I have been dealing with this a lot lately and it makes me so frustrated.
..... As you can so clearly tell.


Who knows what the future holds. All I can say is I know I did my part and if push comes to shove, I can walk away knowing I tried and that will make me stronger. What the other person does with that is up to them.

forgive too easily?

You know those days where you feel selfish? I'm being completely ungrateful and i just can't help it. Selfish and bitter is how I feel right now.

I hate when you think you have loyal people in your life, and all they do is let you down over and over again. And for me, I'm a very forgiving person, that is one of my weaknesses. Someone could run me over with their car and if I really wanted to forgive them I would. Thats what scares me about myself. Something I fear for my future.

How many times is enough? I can't ever answer that question for myself. I think part of it is, I would rather forgive someone then have them be gone from my life forever even though they don't deserve to be in it. There is alot of people that have been huge parts of my life that did NOT deserve it in the least bit and I beat myself up over it a lot.

I am so sick and tired of being taken advantage of. And I completely take responsibility for letting it happen. I hate confronting issues, I hate talking about things that people do to me that bother me. Sometimes I would rather just suck it up and keep it all in and I know thats not healthy at all.

I keep telling myself to grow a back bone and when someone is disrespectful to me to stand up for myself. I tell myself this, and I believe I will do it, until I'm in the situation again and I'm too scared that if I stand up for myself the person will walk out of my life and then I will tell myself it was my fault. When I know very well it's not.

Sometimes I wish I could just walk away from situations knowing I did nothing wrong and that would make me stronger.

I'm just too weak to do it.

Happy Sunday

 Its the way people try not to change thats unnatural.

 The way we cling to what things were instead of letting them be    

 what they are.

 The way we cling to old memories instead of forming new ones.

 The way we insist on believing,despite every scientific indication,

 that anything in this lifetime is permanent. 

 Change is constant.

 How we experience change, that's up to us.

 It can feel like death, or it can feel like a second chance at life. If we open our fingers, loosen our grips, go with it, it  can feel like pure adrenaline.

 Like at any moment, we can have another chance at life.

 Like any moment, we can be born all over again.

-Greys Anatomy.

I would be the skinniest girl alive if I could workout this way.

Wish I was brave enough to do this to my hair...

       I WILL pack my lunches this way. Makes me feel happy.

Have a happy Sunday (whoops technically now its Monday lovers)
Mondays are the best. A brand new week is ahead of us all.
Lets make the best of it.

xoxo



Im looking at life a different way now that I'm out of high school. Letting go is so hard but its a lot easier then holding onto something that isn't there. I am letting go of the friendship.... it's not there anymore and we are both at different places in our lives. Sometimes I feel like I'm giving up on someone I have had in my life since I was born... but at other times I feel like I am just accepting that there are things that just cant be. I am not going to invest myself in something where I always end up hurt. I need to draw the line somewhere.... And although many will not agree with the choice I'm making... I know what's best for me and right now this isnt it. "Close your eyes, Clear your heart, and let it go."

I am cleansing myself and getting rid of all the negative energy that is in my life. I am letting go of grudges, high school girl drama, ex-boyfriends, ex-boyfriends and their new girlfriends, petty girl stuff, etc. I am sorry to those I have hurt and I hope I can start surrounding myself with only positive energy. :)



The best thing one can do when it's raining is to let it rain.

Heart Of Mine

Heart of mine
Be still
You can play with fire
But you'll get the bill
Don't let him know
Don't let him know that you love him
Don't be a fool, don't be blind
Heart of mine

Heart of mine
Go back home
You've got no reason to wander
No reason to roam
Don't let him see
Don't let him see that you need him
Don't push yourself over the line
Heart of mine

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