I'm all moved into my new place, met my roommates today. College is going alright so far... I really miss home and my family. I went through a lot of emotional garbage the week before I left and moved 300 miles away. I think that's what is making this move so hard for me. Its a lot to take on. I'm trying to push through. But I am looking forward to getting my education.

I have made some stupid decisions regarding the person I was dating for the past year. I am young and I thought I knew everything about anything, in the end realizing I really dont. And thats why I am so grateful for my amazing parents. I wasnt myself for a whole year. I think that was really damaging. I felt like it was me always trying to be perfect for him. I always dressed nice. I don't think he ever saw me in sweatpants. I always tried to be well-dressed and well-mannered, and I always tried to please everyone around him. And I'd always go to his places and his favorite restaurants or whatever. And there was a point where I kind of lost myself completely. I didn't smile as much, I didn't laugh as much, I wasn't a goofball I normally am.

Everyone around me hated him. Family, friends, didn't like it. But even with everyone sitting me down, telling me it was horrible, I didn't listen to them. I think a girl has to go through that, because I know now I will be stronger after this, even though now I feel the weakest ever.  I think love is blind. You don't see it, you don't hear what people are saying, or what you're saying. You don't SEE what you're doing. All you see is the person in front of YOU. That's it. I found strength in what hurt me. And in my family — that's my strength as well. I'm truly grateful to be hurt as many times as I have, because I will learn from it.

When the controlling relationship I was in ended just a week before I left for college..I felt like I had been trapped in the last months, it was just horrible. Because I didn't know where I was. I don't know who I am. My self worth was gone. And I blame him COMPLETELY for that. 

I have learned so much from the experience.

1- That "gut" feeling, its real and you should listen to it. Always go with your gut. I denied my gut feeling, I would see red flags, one after the other and I would  make excuses..I would ignore them. I didn’t trust my own intuition.

2- I will never give up people closest to me. If someone is asking you to give that up... THEY REALLY DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU LIKE THEY SAY THEY DO.

3- You can’t really love unless you love yourself: I just wanted to be loved. Over and again, I found myself in the wrong relationships and couldn’t figure out why. I had no idea that the answer I was looking for was with me the entire time. How can you truly, 100% love someone if you don’t love yourself. In order to experience true love, you must experience self-love. I don't need a boyfriend to be completely happy. Meaning, I know now what I didnt then. I know that I love myself and I KNOW I have the strength to let go. I didnt have any idea how strong I was. 

4- Girls dont need to pin their happiness on one guys attention. It will always end bad. ALWAYS.

5- You can change NOBODY. I was a fixer. No matter how much you love someone, people don’t change, unless they want to.

6- No one deserves to be abused:It’s typical for most of us to make excuses for an abuser. “I deserved it” “He just is having a bad day” “I should have done this” “I should have done that”. Look, I don’t care how psycho you are, how clumsy or forgetful you are, it doesn’t matter what your faults are…no one deserves to be abused. It was extremely damaging and it took a long time for me to figure out that it was abuse no matter how many people would tell me it was, it took extra time for me to recover. No one deserves to be abused. Luckily for me, the abuse was emotional. I am lucky it ended at the point it did. 

This is probably so much personal information I'm sharing with the whole world. But for some reason it is therapeutic for me. So please bear with me. :)