So since this has all ended, I just want to say thank you.

Thank you for the smeared makeup on my pillow for weeks straight.

Thank you for all the lies I had to tell my friends and family.

Thank you for promising me things only to break them the next day.

Thank you for the lack of trust in others I now have.

But most importantly, thank you for showing me I'm better off without you, and showing me what I don't want.

I knew with you it would be easy. I knew you'd tell me you liked me, and I knew you'd change your mind once you got bored. I knew when you moved on to the next girl just like everyone said you would, I would spend weeks crying. Wondering what I did wrong and why I wasn't good enough. I knew I'd sit on the floor gasping for air, wondering if it was ever going to end. I knew it. 

I just didn't want to believe it.

I knew it was over before the words were even spoken. Why I didn't get up and leave your sorry ass before then I still don't know. But I came to this conclusion. If you've ever had one of those times when you've clutched a pen or something else in your hand for a long time, only to look down and be surprised that you are still holding it a long time after you needed it. Then you'll understand sometimes we get so used to holding it that we forget to let go.

But you wanna know what I've learned? 

I've learned that sometimes its not okay to forget. Because when you forget you keep making the same mistake. I kept making myself forget how you hurt me.

There comes a point when you have to STOP RELYING ON OTHER PEOPLE TO MAKE YOU FEEL OKAY. You've got to stop saying "I need you". You've got to stop feeling like you can't live without someone. Cause guess what.

You can.

There is no one in this world who knows how to pick you up better than yourself believe it or not. Sometimes there wont be someone who can fix you when your breaking. Sometimes you're just alone. And you know what. That's good. Because if you don't know how to fix yourself when your broken, you won't get anywhere. It'll seem like the worst thing in the world at first, but I was surprised at what I could accomplish.

I want to be alright without you. I want to smile. I want to laugh. I just want to stop lying to myself. 

You have been pulling me down for way too long and I know now it's time to let you go. It's time I stop worrying about you and your feelings.

It's time I think about myself for a change. It's time I treat MYSELF right and leave behind those who don't. It's time I dig myself out of this hole and start all over again with someone who just might be willing to give me the chance you never did. 

 

Things that make me happy

-Weekends
- Deep and meaningful conversations
- Road trips
- Butterflies
-Road trips
-The first bite of your favorite food
-Clothes out of the dryer
-Playing your favorite childhood games
-When someone understands how your feeling
-When a stranger says you look beautiful
-Swimming for the first time in the summer
-Sleeping in after a night out
-Those days when your hair seems to be perfect
-Hearing your favorite song on the radio
-New episodes of your favorite TV show
-Remembering old songs that you used to love
-Finding money in your pockets
-Waking up to a cute text
-Realizing your least favorite teacher is absent
-Meeting people randomly then they become a huge part of your life
-Getting an A on a test you didn't study for
-Putting on sweats after wearing jeans all day
-When your dog is happy to see you
-Rain
-When you peel a sticker off something and it comes off perfectly
-Nail polish that doesnt chip
-People who text back fast
-Scratch and Sniff stickers
-Victorias Secret
-Waking up to the birds chirping
-Laying in bed listening to the rain
-New car smell
-Lotion
-The way you smell after tanning
-Walking out to your car after a good workout

Happy Sunday lovers

-

I am so much more then what I seem. More than just the makeup, the clothes, the shoes, the bags, the sunglasses, the outside. So much more... too bad some boys can't understand.
On a daily basis deal with bitches, backstabbers, lies, boyfriends, exes, appearance, insecurity, and SO MUCH MORE.
Spending hours in front of my mirror for you. If something is too short, someone will call me a whore. If something is too long, they'll call me ugly. I go through buckets full of ice cream because I have had way too many broken hearts. I cry cause bitches wanna hate and boyfriends wanna bitch. I can't complain cause I don't wanna be annoying. I trust people, then they end up stabbing in the back. I learn stuff the hard way.

 Every guy out there making period jokes. For real? No. Just because your being a little bitch and pissing me off doesn't mean I'm on my period. Get over it.

I get hurt multiple times, and keep running back to the same people. I love hard, and I HURT hard. I care too much. I am never understood. I go through so much trouble when you don't even notice.

I tried to impress you, while dealing with what was being said about me by all your little bitch friends.

I spill my guts out to my friends who have probably had enough of you.
Even if I have heard it all before, I hear what people say about me and I break inside. But no matter what, after everything I have to come out strong, and put a big smile on my face and pretend like everything is okay. I have to act nice to the haters knowing everything that they said about me. I love even though I know I shouldn't.
I wait for something that will never happen.
But no matter what, I manage to act like everything is fine, even though everything is falling apart.

I'm all moved into my new place, met my roommates today. College is going alright so far... I really miss home and my family. I went through a lot of emotional garbage the week before I left and moved 300 miles away. I think that's what is making this move so hard for me. Its a lot to take on. I'm trying to push through. But I am looking forward to getting my education.

I have made some stupid decisions regarding the person I was dating for the past year. I am young and I thought I knew everything about anything, in the end realizing I really dont. And thats why I am so grateful for my amazing parents. I wasnt myself for a whole year. I think that was really damaging. I felt like it was me always trying to be perfect for him. I always dressed nice. I don't think he ever saw me in sweatpants. I always tried to be well-dressed and well-mannered, and I always tried to please everyone around him. And I'd always go to his places and his favorite restaurants or whatever. And there was a point where I kind of lost myself completely. I didn't smile as much, I didn't laugh as much, I wasn't a goofball I normally am.

Everyone around me hated him. Family, friends, didn't like it. But even with everyone sitting me down, telling me it was horrible, I didn't listen to them. I think a girl has to go through that, because I know now I will be stronger after this, even though now I feel the weakest ever.  I think love is blind. You don't see it, you don't hear what people are saying, or what you're saying. You don't SEE what you're doing. All you see is the person in front of YOU. That's it. I found strength in what hurt me. And in my family — that's my strength as well. I'm truly grateful to be hurt as many times as I have, because I will learn from it.

When the controlling relationship I was in ended just a week before I left for college..I felt like I had been trapped in the last months, it was just horrible. Because I didn't know where I was. I don't know who I am. My self worth was gone. And I blame him COMPLETELY for that. 

I have learned so much from the experience.

1- That "gut" feeling, its real and you should listen to it. Always go with your gut. I denied my gut feeling, I would see red flags, one after the other and I would  make excuses..I would ignore them. I didn’t trust my own intuition.

2- I will never give up people closest to me. If someone is asking you to give that up... THEY REALLY DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU LIKE THEY SAY THEY DO.

3- You can’t really love unless you love yourself: I just wanted to be loved. Over and again, I found myself in the wrong relationships and couldn’t figure out why. I had no idea that the answer I was looking for was with me the entire time. How can you truly, 100% love someone if you don’t love yourself. In order to experience true love, you must experience self-love. I don't need a boyfriend to be completely happy. Meaning, I know now what I didnt then. I know that I love myself and I KNOW I have the strength to let go. I didnt have any idea how strong I was. 

4- Girls dont need to pin their happiness on one guys attention. It will always end bad. ALWAYS.

5- You can change NOBODY. I was a fixer. No matter how much you love someone, people don’t change, unless they want to.

6- No one deserves to be abused:It’s typical for most of us to make excuses for an abuser. “I deserved it” “He just is having a bad day” “I should have done this” “I should have done that”. Look, I don’t care how psycho you are, how clumsy or forgetful you are, it doesn’t matter what your faults are…no one deserves to be abused. It was extremely damaging and it took a long time for me to figure out that it was abuse no matter how many people would tell me it was, it took extra time for me to recover. No one deserves to be abused. Luckily for me, the abuse was emotional. I am lucky it ended at the point it did. 

This is probably so much personal information I'm sharing with the whole world. But for some reason it is therapeutic for me. So please bear with me. :)