This growing up thing is shattering her soul.

If you asked me last year where I saw myself in a year, I could quickly tell you that this wasn’t it. Everything I am right now is nothing like I thought I would have been. The way things are in general are nothing like I thought they would be. To see people I couldn’t live without last year walk away from my life & become strangers, to see people that were once strangers, mean more than the world to me. Seeing time fly by in the blink of an eye & feeling like nothing ever changes. Feeling like everything has stayed the same through out these days, yet looking back at where I was around this exact time last year & everything is different.


This time last year I was never so emotional. No one could make me cry, and no one made me think so hard. But now the tears flow like rain from the saddest sky there is, and my frantic thoughts are tearing me apart. I’m done feeling sorry for myself, and I’m done being broken, and I’m done letting people make me feel like that at all. I’m going to make myself stronger, no matter how I have to do it, because these thoughts are enough to drive someone insane, and I’m not going to let that be me anymore. I’m taking a stand.


The one thing I've learned in this past year is giving a second chance is exposing yourself to be hurt again. If someone has done it once, it’s bound to happen again. Because you gave  the idea that no matter how much they hurt you, you’d still accept them all over again.


The only way I can explain my totally unrealistic and stupid choices in the past couple months is this- it’s like being hit by a truck, over and over again. But you stay in the road, because when you aren’t being hit by a truck, the road is the best place in the world to be. (or so I thought)..


But I've finally learned the real meaning of change. You do things you used to be against, you date the people you never thought you would and you befriend people you used to hate. You’ll learn what it’s like to have your heartbroken, to lose a friend that truly meant something to you, & feel as if everything is really falling apart. There will be times that your life seems so horrible it feels like it’s not real. Despite all this, good things will come too. You’ll make the most amazing friends that will be there for you even when they probably shouldn’t. Your broken heart will heal once you find the most perfect guy you’ve ever met & just as nothing else can go wrong, things will only get better. There will be the days you are so happy & the days you feel like dying. Drama happens, gossip goes around and people talk shit. Maybe this is just growing up.


For a long time, I thought I was such a strong girl and I know I am, I just couldnt see it. I thought he broke me. But what I've realized is it’s okay to cry yourself to sleep. It’s okay not to want to let go, but you know you need to. It's okay to feel weak, and it's okay to cry. I let myself go through these emotions instead of holding them inside of me. But after that, I told myself I was done feeling sorry for myself and I'm done blaming others for the stupid decisions I make, and I will deal with the consequences.


This is the last time I will ever let someone have that much control on who I was.




I've found myself, and I'm not loosing her again.